The Joke Thread

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Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

I had an appointment yesterday with a Proctologyst physician. His office was pretty busy.
He wanted to give me a prescription, and reached into his pocket for his pen.
He pulled out a rectal thermometer, and said, "Dang, some assholes got my pen!"

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

I had lunch with a sex therapist.
She remarked that a recent study proved that 90% of people masturbate in the shower, and only 10% sing.
I was surprised and said, "Really?"
She said, "Yes, and do you know what song they sing?"
I said, "No."
And she says, "I didn't think so."

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

A man is in an accident, goes through the emergency room, exams, x-rays, cat scan... and he's taken to a room. He's got an IV line, and he's wearing an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.

A young nurse comes into his room, and proceeds to give him a sponge bath.

The man looks up at her and asks, "Are my testicles black?"

The young nurse replies, "I am only here for an upper body sponge bath. I am not looking at your privates."

The man's face wrinkles in consternation and concern, and he asks again, "Nurse, please! Are my testicles black?"

The nurse can clearly sense his concern, so she pulls the sheets back more, moves his gown aside, and gently lifts his penis with one hand, while carefully examining his testicles with the other hand. She smiles and says to him, "They look perfectly fine!"

The man shifts a bit in the bed and reaches up and takes off his oxygen mask, and says to her, "That felt great, but please, could you tell me; Are my test results back?"

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

Post by Makoi »

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

z71gmc06
Posts: 1015
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 12:45 pm
Location: Michigan

Union Rules

Post by z71gmc06 »

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.


Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority, and, according to union rules, she's next."



And NOW you know what's wrong with the AUTO industry, and the seniority system in the House and Senate.
_________________

z71gmc06
Posts: 1015
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 12:45 pm
Location: Michigan

Handbags

Post by z71gmc06 »

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it."

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.

Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie .

She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.

He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester, I have acute angina."

Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got some ugly tits."

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes,"

He addressed the husband, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Hog
Posts: 5036
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2001 4:00 pm
Location: 1997 Chev ECSB L31 350 1997 GMC Sierra SLE RCSB, Ontario

Tremors felt at the Nursing Home

Post by Hog »

Fred has been living at the home for a few years. Mildred lives across the hall from Fred. Every night after supper Fred goes over to Mildreds room to watch TV as she has satellite TV.
One day after supper Mildred is waiting for Fred to come over and watch TV with her, he doesnt show up. This happens for three days straight, no Fred for after supper TV watching.

Finally Mildred sees Fred walking down the hall and asks "Fred, why dont you come and watch TV with me anymore?"
Fred replies "Ive been watching TV down in Betty's room, AND she holds my penis."
Betty says "But Fred, I hold your penis everytime we watch TV together."

"Yes Mildred that's true, but Betty has Parkinson's and you dont."

z71gmc06
Posts: 1015
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 12:45 pm
Location: Michigan

Old Men

Post by z71gmc06 »

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a poop, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I crap like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

z71gmc06
Posts: 1015
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 12:45 pm
Location: Michigan

Jack Daniels

Post by z71gmc06 »

Image

z71gmc06
Posts: 1015
Joined: Tue May 08, 2007 12:45 pm
Location: Michigan

Spiders

Post by z71gmc06 »

A father was watching his young daughter in the garden marveling at the wonders of nature. Suddenly she stops and starts staring at the ground. He walks over and sees her watching two spiders. She asks "Daddy, what are those spiders doing?"

He replies "They are making more spiders". The little girl asks "What kind of spiders are they?" Her Dad replies "They are Daddy Longlegs".

She says "So the one on the bottom must be a Mommy Longlegs then?" Her Dad says "No, dear, they're both Daddy Longlegs".

She thinks for a second and then stomps them flat with her foot saying "That sh*t may fly in California but not here in Nebraska".

CrazyHoe
Posts: 6228
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:30 am
Location: Mtl; '98 2dr4x4 Tahoe, L31,Hookers Long T, 0411,EFIlive, 4L80-E,dual 3",marine int+inj

Post by CrazyHoe »

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it) She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

I went to a local strip club and when the waitress brought drinks, she whispered to me
"I'll do anything you want for 100 bucks."

I quickly pulled out a Benjamin and told her, "I want you to paint my house."

CrazyHoe
Posts: 6228
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:30 am
Location: Mtl; '98 2dr4x4 Tahoe, L31,Hookers Long T, 0411,EFIlive, 4L80-E,dual 3",marine int+inj

Read this out loud

Post by CrazyHoe »

Read this out loud:
Image

Did you get it?
If not, read it again.
So?
Did you see it?
No?
Read it again out loud until you solved it.... hehe

Hog
Posts: 5036
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2001 4:00 pm
Location: 1997 Chev ECSB L31 350 1997 GMC Sierra SLE RCSB, Ontario

Re: Read this out loud

Post by Hog »

CrazyHoe wrote:Read this out loud:
Image

Did you get it?
If not, read it again.
So?
Did you see it?
No?
Read it again out loud until you solved it.... hehe
I dont get it, but the guy who designed this sign either:
A)Forgot to grammar check his work or B) has an issue with stuttering.

Their sign could use a little colour as well, it would attract the tourists better.

peace
Hog

CrazyHoe
Posts: 6228
Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:30 am
Location: Mtl; '98 2dr4x4 Tahoe, L31,Hookers Long T, 0411,EFIlive, 4L80-E,dual 3",marine int+inj

Re: Read this out loud

Post by CrazyHoe »

Hog wrote:
CrazyHoe wrote:Read this out loud:
Image

Did you get it?
If not, read it again.
So?
Did you see it?
No?
Read it again out loud until you solved it.... hehe
I dont get it, but the guy who designed this sign either:
A)Forgot to grammar check his work or B) has an issue with stuttering.

Their sign could use a little colour as well, it would attract the tourists better.

peace
Hog

Lol it's a brain tease. 80% of the population don't see the mistake until pointed out.
Did you see it?

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

I read the
the sign twice.
TBIâ„¢
TBIâ„¢

Hog
Posts: 5036
Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2001 4:00 pm
Location: 1997 Chev ECSB L31 350 1997 GMC Sierra SLE RCSB, Ontario

Re: Read this out loud

Post by Hog »

CrazyHoe wrote:
Hog wrote:
CrazyHoe wrote:Read this out loud:
Image

Did you get it?
If not, read it again.
So?
Did you see it?
No?
Read it again out loud until you solved it.... hehe
I dont get it, but the guy who designed this sign either:
A)Forgot to grammar check his work or B) has an issue with stuttering.

Their sign could use a little colour as well, it would attract the tourists better.

peace
Hog

Lol it's a brain tease. 80% of the population don't see the mistake until pointed out.
Did you see it?
I was jesting, but no I didnt read out the 2 "the"'s.

I saw a show that demonstrated this exact phenomenon. It had a piece of paper that had a bunch of errors and you automatically say the correct words even when typed incorrectly.
I forget the name of the phenomenon.

peace
Hog
Last edited by Hog on Wed Sep 18, 2013 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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