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The Joke Thread
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DOCTOR TO MALE PATIENT: You have six months to live.

PATIENT: I want to live longer.

DOCTOR: Marry a Jewish girl and move to New York.

PATIENT: Is this gonna make me live longer?

DOCTOR; No, but it's gonna seem longer!

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A 97 year old Prostitute got herself listed in the Yellow Pages.... Now she claims to be the Oldest Trick in the Book!!!!

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When I was in Germany there was a hooker that used to stand out on a highway at the turnoff to a hunting lodge style country club. Her nickname was Mortuary Mary. She didn't even look good in 20/40 vision, ie 20 feet away and 40MPH. She looked like she was old when the Kaiser was going to the lodge. I can't imagine what she looks like now.

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But was she good?? Laughing Razz Razz

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CrazyHoe wrote:
But was she good?? Laughing Razz Razz


Dunno personally, but there was this one guy that always talked about her and he was always smiling. I guess you learn your way around the territory when you've spent a century or two wandering around it.

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My Dear,

I am writing this mail to you With due respect trust and humanity, how is your day today? i hope all is well and fine with you including your healt and job,Bear with me as am using this opportunity to introduce myself to you. I am Sofia, making this contact with you based on the fact that we have
not meet before and due to nature of the situation i found myself as a victim of Sudan political crises in my country which involved lost of my parent during the war, between the government and rebel leader who died in a plane crash after 21 days of his sworn in as the first vice president.
Presently i am here in Burkina Faso West Africa.

My name is Miss. Sofia Umar Yaman, from southern part of sudan.My late father Capt. Umar. Yaman ...My father was murdered in cold blood by 11th of April 2008,while my mother died during the bombing of our village, western sudanese state of north Darfur. I am contacting you based on a pitiable situation in which I found myself today. find a way to help me out and i will remain grateful. There is an information I would like you to keep very confidential. There is sum amount of money my late father deposited in a bank in Burkina Faso for safe keeping before his death.

The squable happened as over the issue of mineral and allocation resource of diamond using his influence as opportunity to smuggle diamond to the neighbouring countries in exchange for money and other valuable assets,Presently, the money is $8.500.000 Milllion U.S.Dollars. I need your
assistance for the withdrawal of my inherited fund and also transfer the fund to your position for partnership investment in your country under your care. My father registered the beneficiary of the money with my name as his next of kin. The deposit documents are with me.

I want you to assist me, to get my Inheritance withdrawn from Burkina Faso and to be transfered in your position with your name, and thereafter I will offer you 20% from the total sum as your rewards for assisting me. There is no risk in this transaction. I will use the remain balance of the money for an investiment in your country for the future of my life.

If you are intrested,and can maintain the very confidentiality of this transaction, you e-mail me immediately for us to proceed. The Sudan government through it's various agents has confisticated all my late father's known properties since his death.

Go through below website to find more details of what my country have passed through.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/2134220.stm

Do reply immediately you receive this mail for further discussion to enable me nominate you and stand as my beneficiary next of kin to enable Burkina Faso Bank release my Inheritance In your name.

Thanks for your anticipated understanding and co-operation. Thanks and God bless you,

I will scan and attach my picture and send to you in my next mail as soon as i hear from you.

Yours truly Sofia Umar Yaman.

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Sweet your Rich! except you blew it cause you was supposed to keep it confidential

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Ya-man!!

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Did you hear that the Navy is going to launch a brand new nuclear submarine that will have an all female crew?


That's right,


....no seamen!

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Wife: My Gynecologist says I can't have sex for 2 weeks.

Husband: What did your Dentist say?

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insu......rance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."

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A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No”, she answered. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself."

"It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men.”

“Therefore, I chose “Carmen”.”

“What’s your name?”, she asked.

He answered, “B.J. Titsengolf.”

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I called my boss and asked him, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

"I don't know", he replied.

And, I said, "I'm not coming in this morning!"

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Chuck Norris, Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are trying to decide what to be for Halloween. Stallone says, "hey I got an idea, let's dress up as famous composers." Norris says, "OK, I'll be Beethoven." Stallone says, "great, I'll be Mozart." Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach.

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Post The Dangerous Wife 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."
...
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" calls the man.

The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."

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I went to a Halloween orgy last night. Everyone was a goblin.

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the chicken farmer says. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the chicken farmer! As they clink glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

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An 83yr old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before. He admitted he had indeed been here previously. The lady sarcastically said “then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir!”. The gentleman replied “I didn't have to show it last time”. “Impossible!” the woman snapped, “You British have always had to show your passports to get through here!”. The man responded by whispering, “Well my dear, when I came ashore on the beach on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!”

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