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The Joke Thread
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Post The Joke Thread 
Don't add a bunch of comments, okay? Just add jokes if you have some. Here we go;

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Ranger found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young and attractive idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She
took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

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Whats the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?

A porcupine has its pricks on the outside.

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the stove.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?

There is no John.

Who does Christopher Reeves wish he was?

Christopher Walken.

What did Spock find in the toilet?

The captain's log.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

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A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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Post *Nick the Dragon Slayer* 
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch em, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more
than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to
arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work
as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for
the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four
hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent
breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment
of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh
told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.




The moral of the story = Pay your bills. Laughing

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Post DUI - Illinois Style‏ 
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Jerseyville, Illinois after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sherriffs office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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How to catch a polar bear -

1. Cut a hole in the ice large enough for the bear to fit in, but not so large he can go all the way through.
2. Open a can of peas.
3. Place peas around the hole in the ice, 1 inch from the edge of the hole, every half inch around the hole.
4. Hide behind a convenient pile of ice that showed up next to the hole.
5. Wait for a bear.
6. When a bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
====================================================================================
Prize winning pig

One day a farmer goes down to the local sciencin' office to speak to an egghead about his pig. He goes in and there are three scientists in the lab, working with some monkeys. One of them says, "How can I help you?"

The farmer says "I've got this pig Bessie that I've been enterin' into pig beauty contests for the last year, and she never wins. Best she ever got was onnerible mention. Can you tell me how to make Bessie bigger so she'll start winnin' me some blue ribbons?"

The scientists walk around the pig, and the first one says "Feed her more corn." The farmer says "She already eats 50 pounds of corn a day, that's more than my horses eat." The second scientist says "Pen her up and don't let her exercise." The farmer says "The only thing she does is sit in front of her trough and eat, she doesn't even move to go to the can." The third scientist says "Stick a cork up her bum (sorry, this has been cleaned up a bit for work). The farmer said "Dang, that's somethin' I've not done. Thanks Doc!"

Six weeks later the farmer comes back with Bessie. He trots her in and calls them out. "Hey, you eggheads is all right by me. I done won six blue ribbons and had a dozen offers to buy Bessie, not that I'd ever sell her. Thanks! The only thing is, she sure does look like she's in some pain now. Can you suggest anything?"

The scientists walk around the pig, checking her over. The first scientist says "I don't know." The second scientist says "I don't know either." The third scientist says "Did you ever remove the cork?" The farmer says "No, I didn't, and I don't know that I want to." The first scientist says "Well, I'm not doing it." The second scientist says "I'm not either." The third scientist says "Well, I'm more of an idea man."

About that time, one of the monkeys that was out of its cage is playing with the pig, sees the cork and grabs it.

A week later, the farmer wakes up in the hospital, all done up in casts. He looks over, and there's the three scientists in the room with him, looking like they have the same damage. The farmer says "Dang, what happened? Last thing I remember we were discussing Bessie, now I'm in a hospital bed." The first scientist said "All I saw was crap flying everywhere!" The second scientist said "That's all I saw too!" The third scientist said "All I saw was that poor monkey trying to stick the cork back in!"
====================================================================================
Oldie but goodie:

Q. Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore and Tipper Gore are all in a plane. The plan crashes in the ocean 200 miles from shore. Who gets saved?

A. The nation.
====================================================================================

====================================================================================
Speaking of Michael Jackson,

Q. What do Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common?

A. Little boy's pants, half off.
====================================================================================
Foggy bottoms?

A plane is approaching the runway. Situation critical, the airport radar has just gone down, and the fog is so thick you can't see your hand in front of your face if it was touching your nose. The plane is low on fuel, and the pilot has no choice, he's landing one way or another. As he's making his approach, there's a short break in the fog, and there's the runway! He instantly remembers where the lights are, touches down and nails the brakes! Hooray, the plane is saved! the pilot looks out the side window and sees the lights below him and says "Dang, that's the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks out his side and sees the runway, and says, "Yeah, and it's wide, too!" *
====================================================================================
Blonde jokes

A blonde goes to the doctor. He asks what's wrong and she says "Doctor, I'm in serious trouble! My whole body hurts! Everywhere I touch myself I get a shooting pain! See, watch!" She touches her arm, "Ouch!" She touches her leg, "Ouch!" She touches her head, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her hand and says "I've found the problem. Your finger is broken."
====================================================================================
A brunette is standing on a street corner, staring into the sky, chanting"46, 46, 46, 46..." A blonde walks up and sees her, and asks "What are you doing?" The blond walks around the brunette looking up into the sky BAMMM! A bus runs the blonde over and kills her! The brunette walks to another street corner with a smile on her face, starts staring into the sky, chanting "47, 47, 47, 47..."
====================================================================================
Ouch!

Three travellers is in the bush, far from civilization. Suddenly, they are captured by a tribe of headhunters! They are tied to stakes in the center of the village, and the village makes up a quick celebration.

At the height of the celebration, the chief walks up to the first of the three men, and says "Ungabunga or death!" Amazing how these headhunters always seem to know English. The first guy, not knowing what it is, says without hesitation, "Ungabunga!" So they untie the first man, strap him to a rock, a tribesman walks up, whips out a 9 incher, and proceeds to do the guy Left Coast style. They untie the guy and he runs away with a bloody backside.

The chief goes to the second guy, and says "Ungabunga or death!" The second guy hesitates, then decides that it's better than being stew, so says "Ungabunga." So they untie the second man, strap him to a rock, a different tribesman walks up, whips out a foot long, and proceeds to give the San Francisco Treat. They untie the guy and he hobbles away with a bloody backside.

Meanwhile, the third guy has been giving this some though, and decides that these tribesmen are probably sticking it in anything they come across, and if he submits to this he'll probably be in the hospital with something embarassing within a year. The chief walks up to the third guy, but before he can say anything the third guy says "Death! I'd rather die now than be done that way! Throw me in the pot!" The chief smiles, pulls up his ceremonial robe to reveal a 3 footer, big around as your leg, and proclaims loudly "Death by Unga Bunga!
====================================================================================
And finally...

A man was overheard to say "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in agony like his passengers."

*In case you didn't figure it out, they landed on the runway sideways, not longways like they are supposed to.

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Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news and so I knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money.

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The wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
There's a man and a woman in the car. The man is driving.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F**K UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
And, she says, "Only when he's been drinking."



Last edited by Makoi on Fri Nov 02, 2007 12:50 am; edited 1 time in total
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I was feeling really depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

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edit



Last edited by HAYWIRE on Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post c'mon guys keep um comming! 
A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper:Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won’t beat me and won’t run out on me.

After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.

He replies, “I’m responding to your ad for a good lover.”

“How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!”

“I have no arms so I can’t beat you and I have no legs so I can’t run out on you!” he said.

“What about being a good lover?” she asked.

He responded, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”




An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But, realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer.

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Little Davy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.

"The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davy asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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A blonde is driving down a country road when she notices another blonde, out in the field, sitting in a row boat.....rowing.
She pulls over and yells at the 'rowing blonde'..."what the hell is wrong with you?". "It's fools like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad name......and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!".

Howard

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"You know me, safety forced." --Red Green

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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.



Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.



What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.



What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.



What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."



Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

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SUCCESS THROUGH THE AGES
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 17, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 90, success is... not peeing in your pants.

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Bouncing Up and Down

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"



Chapped Lips

Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?"asks Bill. John answers, "It's simple - watch..."

John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips. "Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill askes, "No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!

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