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Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Golfing

Post by Makoi »

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word
with him."

"Hi John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

The Kid in me could be right!

Post by Makoi »

I was out behind the cabin one day when I spotted a frog near the spring. It called out to me saying, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

I bent over, picked up the frog and put it into my jacket pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

I took the frog out of my pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to my jacket pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and I'll do ANYTHING you want."

Again I took the frog out, smiled at it, and then put it back into my coat pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I will stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

I took the frog out again and held in front of my face and said, "A girl friend for a week would be nice, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool!"

Silent Thunder
Posts: 287
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2006 4:00 pm
Location: Heartland Texas - '96 GMC Ext. Cab Sierra 411 pcm. - 383 stroker & marine intake, 411.

Man's best friend

Post by Silent Thunder »

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment...


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Saturnstyl Anger Management

Post by Makoi »

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.....

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Saturnstyl, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude! I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number on that previous dial.) After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and, I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word "a$$hole" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or if I had a really bad day, I'd call him.

He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a$$hole!" This always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "a$$hole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had been patiently waiting for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. Hmmm, I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down the phone number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I found the piece of paper I'd written his number on, dialed it, and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is."
So, I asked, "Can I come by to see it?" He says, "Sure, I'm at 1802 West 34th Street. A yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to come by, Don?" "Anytime after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?", and Don says "Sure".
"Don, you're an a$$hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I was feeling upset, or if I had a bad day, I had two a$$holes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with a new idea:

I called A$$hole #1. "Hello" "You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yep," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Why don't we meet in person?"
"OK A$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black BMW out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. You ready to get your ass kicked?"
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."

Then I called a$$hole # 2:
"Hello?" he said. "Hello, A$$hole." I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew!

Now, I really feel better.

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

The Widow and the Ranch-hand

Post by Makoi »

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay cowboy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and he knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked hard together, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed, and went into town on the very next Saturday night.

One o'clock a.m. came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse, and take it off.", she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my shoes."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my stockings", she asked.

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her shoes.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my my under garments."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told, and dropped it all to the floor.

Then, the widow looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Sherk
Posts: 656
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 11:11 am
Location: Galesburg, MI

Surgery Simplified

Post by Sherk »

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second surgeon, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

However, the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed, 'You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine; and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

All remained silent.

Rob_B
Posts: 528
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 1999 9:12 pm
Location: Ontario, Canada

Post by Rob_B »

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son - it's a local call'.

1990 and 2003 GMC
Posts: 217
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 5:49 am
Location: Wherever TBIâ„¢ sends me

.

Post by 1990 and 2003 GMC »

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger
turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the
stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a
horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about
it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?

Speeder
Posts: 10772
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 1999 9:12 pm
Location: 2015 Tahoe 2WD 5.3L 6L80E, 2008 Colorado work beater, 2003 Dodge Dakota pro-touring project

Post by Speeder »

Question: What do you call America when led by Barack Obama?

Answer: An Obama-nation!!!

PSWired
Posts: 3532
Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2001 9:12 pm
Location: Annapolis, MD 1995 GMC Yukon, 6L80e, E85 5.3

Post by PSWired »

Oh wow.... WOWWWW

That was a good one hahahaha I'm a sucker for puns.

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Post by Makoi »

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?"

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Hillbilly Hunter VS Game Warden

Post by Makoi »

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina ... You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You tell me. You're the expert!"

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Nun out Golfing

Post by Makoi »

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards out from the tee!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball, and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the f----ing putt, didn't you?'

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

High School Reunion

Post by Makoi »

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything .....

Silent Thunder
Posts: 287
Joined: Sun Feb 19, 2006 4:00 pm
Location: Heartland Texas - '96 GMC Ext. Cab Sierra 411 pcm. - 383 stroker & marine intake, 411.

Cigarettes & Tampons

Post by Silent Thunder »

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he drops a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Leather Dresses

Post by Makoi »

Image

I just read an interesting medical article. It said that it's long been known that when a woman is wearing a leather dress, it has a strange effect on men. It makes their hearts beat faster, their eyes will dilate, and their thinking gets fuzzy. The Doctors have discovered why this happens.


She smells like a new car.

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Buy or Rent?

Post by Makoi »

I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Governor Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But...
Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of over $41 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

Dave'02LT
Posts: 772
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 4:14 pm
Location: Central Texas 2002 Silverado ECSB 5.3

Re: Buy or Rent?

Post by Dave'02LT »

Makoi wrote:
Is it just me, or is it better to rent?
I dunno, I keep thinking about that Lacrosse hooker that had semen from 30 men, none of whom were at the player's party. :yuck:

Makoi
Posts: 4165
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2005 3:18 am
Location: 2010 GMC Yukon Denali

Racism?

Post by Makoi »

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?' asked this guy.

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes, I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would you? Would you?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no!'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

'Well, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replies, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

saturnstyl
Posts: 3213
Joined: Fri Apr 03, 1998 8:12 pm
Location: In a pineapple under the sea.

Post by saturnstyl »

Do you know why they put up fences around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

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