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The Joke Thread
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A man comes home from work at the pickle plant one night and tells his wife "I've got a serious problem." She says "What is it dear?" And he says "Well, I don't quite know how to tell you this but I really want to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." "Oh no, why on Earth would you want to do that?" his wife asked.

Next day he comes home and says "I've still got that urge and it's stronger than ever. I really want to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." His wife says"Well then, I'm setting you up an appointment with the doctor because it sounds like your mind is going."

Next day he comes home early. His wife asked what he was doing home, and he said "I was fired." She asked "Oh no, why were you fired?" And he says "Well, I finally did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." And she says "Oh no, I don't believe it! What happened then? What did they do with the pickle slicer?" And he says "Oh, she got fired too."

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Post The Johnny Wad of Carrots 


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i still cant see your pictures

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Pro wrote:
i still cant see your pictures


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Speeder wrote:
Probably the most talented person they ever had on the show, and so far as I know the only act that was ever repeated.


Gene Gene was a regular too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACpNVD5GMUw

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The Steppin Stones were also on more than once.

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Post Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns 
Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Susie Fox

________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, It could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber .

I hope this helps.
Ted

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Post The Irish Castaway 
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba tanks and dive mask, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a wet suit!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!! "

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed....

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his
quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never
felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my
child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an
avid hunter and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large
male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the
animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and
went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell
over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest
that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that
beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

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Post Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? 
Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

.................................................................

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

...............................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!
...............................................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BA NG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

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Post WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS....... 
WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS.......

Friendship between Women;
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two
said that he was still there.

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.





I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing in
line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food.




Taser Classic...don' t tell me you can read this
without laughing... ( Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY
TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blu e arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in o ne hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with
a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like heck!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like i t had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl


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Post Sex Help 
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never
achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to
sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard,
and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping
young man. While the two of you are making love have
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your
wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire
a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as
they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, " try it reversed. Have
the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."

Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go
home and hire the same strapping young man. The young
man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel. The young man gets to work with great
enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous
room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to
him triumphantly, "You see that, you young schmuck?
THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

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Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull**** with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. So act like one!!!

Abby

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Post SuperBowl Seat 
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the
world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I
was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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Chelsea Clinton, campaigning for her mother, went to an airport where a battalion of troops was coming back from Iraq. On her live TV interview, she walked up to a Marine Sergeant and asked if she could interview, which he agreed to do. Her first question is, "Now that you have come back to the US from the most dangerous place on Earth, what would you say are the three biggest threats to the security of the US?" The Marine Sergeant thought about this for a second, then responded "Ms Clinton, the way I see it, the three biggest threats to the security of the US are Osama, Obama, and Yo' Mamma."

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Post If I/T Ran Marriage Counseling 
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Post How it Works 
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R& R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b1tch out the window."

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Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because he's always a little short.

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