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The Joke Thread
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A union rep goes to Vegas for a convention. He gets the "urge" so he goes to a brothel and asks how much a girl is for an hour. $240 is the relpy. "How much of that does the girl get?" he asked. "The girl gets 40 and the house keeps 200" says the madam. He tells her "I am a union rep from local 440 steelworkers out of Baltimore and that is taking advantage of your employees, I'll take my business elsewhere!" He goes to a 2nd brothel and asks how much a girl is for an hour. $220 is the relpy. "How much of that does the girl get?" he asked. "The girl gets 40 and the house keeps 180" says the madam. He tells her "I am a union rep from local 440 steelworkers out of Baltimore and that is taking advantage of your employees, I'll take my business elsewhere!" So our guy goes to a 3rd brothel and asks his question. The third madam replys that her girls are unionized and they get $180 and the house keeps $60. He tells her "I am a union rep from local 440 steelworkers out of Baltimore and that is the kind of contract our union would negotiate - Here is my $240, I'll take that cute young blond over there by the bar!!!" "NOT SO FAST!" says the madam. "You get GRANNY, she has seniority!!"

Jim

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Post Involuntary Muscular Contractions 
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

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I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there I was, standing by my crumpled car alongside the road, and slowly
the other driver gets out of his car....,
and you know how sometimes you just get so stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Well, I could not believe it. The driver of the car I rear ended was a dwarf.

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and screams, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started.

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Two men were in an auto accident, one man rear ended the other pretty hard. The man in the car in front got out, asked if the other guy was OK, and said he was OK as well. The guy in the front car said "Ya know, it's certainly lucky that we were both uninjured, especially as bad as our cars were torn up in that accident. I just happen to have a bottle of wine in the car, I propose we celebrate our health with a toast." So he opens the bottle and hands it to the guy driving the car in back, who takes a big swig of wine. When the guy hands it back, the guy in the front car puts the cap back on and puts the wine back in his car. The guy in the rear car says "I thought we were going to toast our not getting hurt. Aren't you going to have a drink?" And the guy in the front car says "Yes, but I think I'll wait until after the police finish."

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A teacher is trying to teach her students math, and asks one a hypothetical question. "Billy, say there are 6 blackbirds on the fence. You take a BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?" Billy says "None, because as soon as the first blackbird is dead, the others will fly away." The teacher says "That's not what I was looking for, but I like the way you think!" Billy says "Teacher, I have a question for you. Three ladies are sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is licking her cone, the second is biting her cone, and the third is sucking her cone. Which one is married?" The teacher says "I don't know, I guess the one sucking her cone is married." Billy says "No, the one with the wedding band is married, but I like the way you think!"

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One of my favorites...

A duck walks into a general store and says "Mister, have you got any duck food?" The shopkeep says "No, get out of here!" The duck runs away. The next day the duck comes back and says "Mister, have you got any duck food?" The shopkeep says "No, get out of here!" The duck runs away. The next day the duck comes back and says "Mister, have you got any duck food?" The shopkeep says "No, and if you come back tomorrow asking for duck food I'm going to take my shotgun and shoot you!" The next day the duck comes in and says "Mister, have you got any shotgun shells?" The shopkeep screams "NO!!! I DON"T HAVE ANY SHOTGUN SHELLS!!!" So the duck says "Then have you got any duck food?"

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Post Never Lie to your Wife 
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends".

"We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack me enough clothes for a week, and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office, and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

And he adds, "Oh yeah honey, could you please pack my new blue silk pajamas?"

The wife thinks this last request sounds a bit odd, but being the good wife she is, she did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home, a little tired, but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of salmon, some trout, and a few pike. But, why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your tackle box..."

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Oh damn...busted..Honey, I used the bosses new gear...ummm...I bought some new stuff...ummm I used my dates old rod and reel..yeah, thats it...I used her's

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Post Kiss my... 
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the husband's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful appearance!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything that you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"


This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you... I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Post Amazingly True 
An older man approaches a younger woman inside the mall.

"Excuse me," he said. "I've can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure, sir, do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere."

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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the (TBIā„¢)carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" - "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with?


A Misdewiener!

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Ok, probably heard this one before but here's an sound clip that even if you've heard it before, you'll still laugh...

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

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Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

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Post Ha, ha, best gong show act ever! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxX7NXeXy-o

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what is this 'gong show' you speak of

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Pro wrote:
what is this 'gong show' you speak of

Ah, ha, ha, Pro... I have T-shirts older than you.

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Makoi wrote:
Pro wrote:
what is this 'gong show' you speak of

Ah, ha, ha, Pro... I have cassette tapes older than you. I won't buy a car without a tape player.


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Pro wrote:
what is this 'gong show' you speak of


You mean you've never seen Chuck "Blow Man" Barris? Pretty funny stuff, you got these complete Pros up on stage doing whatever they thought showed talent, and these three judges watched. If they didn't like what they saw, they hit the gong and you were off. Kinda like the original American Idol. This was also the first known appearance of the Unknown Comic, a fellow who dressed in a brown casual suit and wore a paper sack on his head. Probably the most talented person they ever had on the show, and so far as I know the only act that was ever repeated.

Funniest part was watching Chuck trying to host the show with a flour sack full of cocaine stuffed up his schnoz. Laughing Laughing Laughing

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