SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

CORRECTION:

BARBAWA WAWWAWRS: Isn't that intewesting? In a few moments, we will be wistening to the chicken teww, fow the first time, the heawt wawming stowy of how it expewienced a sewious case of mowting, and went on to accompwish it's wifewong dweam of cwossing the woad.

Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he asked, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?'

Tongue in cheek satire; love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRgB2eeHZEw&feature=fvw

I accidently went through a stop sign, and got pulled over by a local cop. I gave him my driver's license, insurance verification, my concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Makoi," the officer says, "I see your concealed carry permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, sir, I am."

"Well, better tell me what you got."

I said, "Well, I got a .44 revolver in my inside coat pocket, there's a 9mm semiautomatic in the glove box, and I got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," officer says, "anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk there's an AR-15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Makoi, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"

"No."

"Well, then, what are you afraid of?"

"Not a damn thing."

Makoi wrote:

I accidently went through a stop sign, and got pulled over by a local cop. I gave him my driver's license, insurance verification, my concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Makoi," the officer says, "I see your concealed carry permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, sir, I am."

"Well, better tell me what you got."

I said, "Well, I got a .44 revolver in my inside coat pocket, there's a 9mm semiautomatic in the glove box, and I got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," officer says, "anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk there's an AR-15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Makoi, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"

"No."

"Well, then, what are you afraid of?"

"Not a damn thing."

i actually laughed my ass off on this one.....not a lil giggle or smirk....i busted out laughing.

well done.

Makoi wrote:

Tongue in cheek satire; love it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRgB2eeHZEw&feature=fvw

lmao @ black president.....hes only half way there

Makoi wrote:

I accidently went through a stop sign, and got pulled over by a local cop. I gave him my driver's license, insurance verification, my concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Makoi," the officer says, "I see your concealed carry permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, sir, I am."

"Well, better tell me what you got."

I said, "Well, I got a .44 revolver in my inside coat pocket, there's a 9mm semiautomatic in the glove box, and I got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," officer says, "anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk there's an AR-15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Makoi, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"

"No."

"Well, then, what are you afraid of?"

"Not a damn thing."

Pete, remind me not to EVER piss you off anytime...anywhere

A Sailor and a Marine was in a bar drinking beer and arguing which was the better service. Well into the argument the Marine said ?We have Iwo Jima!? The Sailor then stated ?we have the Battle of Midway!? The marine then said, ?Not exactly, there were a lot of Marines fought and lost their lives in that battle.? The Sailor conceded to the Marine that the Navy could not have won the battle without the help of the Marines and out of desperation blurted out ?The Navy invented sex!? The Marine answered with ?Maybe you did, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women!?

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all
this shit?"

For those of us getting a bit older, this makes total sense...

http://dalesdesigns.net/rock-on.htm

Breaking News:

CBS reports:

Beginning in May 2011 gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else get screwed the same time that you do!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

The jokes have already started with Bin Laden

The bar tenders have come up with a new drink in his memory

2 shots and a splash of water....

Yes, they have.

As you may or may not know, Islamic jihadists change their name when they hit milestones. Bin Laden recently hit two milestones, and changed his name to...
Osama Bin Sinkin.

A moment of seriousness... the government wastes billions of dollars every year. However, it's nice when the government actually gets more for its money. We're definitely getting our money's worth out of the military's elite forces. Good job guys, I sleep a little more soundly knowing you guys are out there keeping this nation safe.

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built at Ground Zero.

I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque
should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the
mosque, thereby promoting tolerance. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to
that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing
Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be a room for an adult sex toy shop,
"Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

"Rapture: 2011"

Speeder wrote:

Yes, they have.

As you may or may not know, Islamic jihadists change their name when they hit milestones. Bin Laden recently hit two milestones, and changed his name to...
Osama Bin Sinkin.

A moment of seriousness... the government wastes billions of dollars every year. However, it's nice when the government actually gets more for its money. We're definitely getting our money's worth out of the military's elite forces. Good job guys, I sleep a little more soundly knowing you guys are out there keeping this nation safe.

i thought it was Osama Bin Bobbin..........

ThunderTT wrote:

Speeder wrote:

Yes, they have.

As you may or may not know, Islamic jihadists change their name when they hit milestones. Bin Laden recently hit two milestones, and changed his name to...
Osama Bin Sinkin.

A moment of seriousness... the government wastes billions of dollars every year. However, it's nice when the government actually gets more for its money. We're definitely getting our money's worth out of the military's elite forces. Good job guys, I sleep a little more soundly knowing you guys are out there keeping this nation safe.

i thought it was Osama Bin Bobbin..........

Well, woulda been if they hadn't hung an anchor around his neck. Unknown to the world until after the raid that between Osama bin Laden and Osama bin Sinkin that his name was Osama bin Whackin.